In an effort to not crumple into a ball of tears and down a bottle of cheap wine, I have a picture of a cute kitten to restore my soul.
Wine would help too but I'm too lazy to go looking for it.
Ancient classroom with 400 students. These were the days we could still use rulers on unruly kids.
My only goal, every day, is survival. That’s it. I just want to get home to watch Oprah at 3. So I am not above bribing the kids to behave. With little ones, it’s easy. I promise a treat like a sticker or a stamp, and they get all excited for that one measly little sticker that all I have to say is “I guess you don’t want that sticker…”and the chatter stops. I talk about it like I’m 4 cans of Red Bull in: “Do you want a STICKER?! It’s the MOST AWESOME STICKER EVER!!! All your friends will be SO JEALOUS that you earned a STICKERRRR WOOOOT!” If I am there for a few days, I promise something bigger, like popsicles. You’d think there was nothing better in the world than frozen sugared-water with how motivated they get over store-brand popsicles.
With older ones, it’s trickier. They don’t care about stickers. They don’t care about popsicles or
I also send middle schoolers outside when they can’t stop shredding my nerves. It starts with a warning, “Do you want to go outside?” and that always elicits a wide-eyed “no” as if outside the classroom door was Dante’s Inferno. And 70% of the time, the person I warned once WILL earn that trip outside, where I say “Alright, you’re moving. You can come back in when you feel like acting normal.” Once in a while I get a beggar, who pleads that they will stop talking/goofing and PUHLEEEEZE let them stay, to which the answer is always no. Once I had a kid who could not stop giggling. He giggled so much it made me giggle, and he couldn’t even tell me what was so funny. It was hilarious and maddening at the same time. I told him to go take a walk, get some water, think of dead animals and come back with a frown on his face. It didn’t work, but at least he was gone for a good 10 minutes.
As if it wasn’t obvious, I didn’t learn very many classroom management techniques in credential classes. I am pretty much self-taught, on-the-job. Nothing can really prepare you for working with some of these nutty nutjobs.
Except maybe being a little nutty yourself.
I sat in 8th grade math during the prep period where there are no students and heard a dog barking nearby. I don’t know why a dog was in school but I didn’t care enough to investigate further as I was too busy reading entertainment blogs for Glee spoilers. Maybe he was lost. Maybe he was subbing.
Middle school children should not have facial hair. It is wrong. What are we feeding these kids?
I know my last name is weird, but it’s not like I write it in on the board in Hebrew or something they can’t understand. We need more phonics practice with these kids. It’s like they see letters in a new arrangement and their immediate reaction is horror. And I don’t mind being called Miss P, but my real name should not terrify middle schoolers like that. It’s only 5 letters.
This teacher I am currently subbing for has no pens or pencils. I want this teacher to get a citation or something. That’s like a doctor walking into surgery with no scalpels or other gadgets he uses to do surgery (I’m not a surgeon, I don’t know these things). Unacceptable.