Hi everyone!

It's been a long time since my last post, and there's a good reason for that: I got a new job! It's in education administration, so I am no longer subbing like I had been for several years. I do still get to work with kids though, which is a bonus, but it's a full-time office job. Unfortunately, the new job means I won't really have any material to blog about. But I decided to leave this little blog up here in cyberspace just as a fun reminder of my time subbing. I hope whoever stumbles upon it has a good laugh.

I intend to come right back to this little blog when I get my own classroom, one day! Until then, it was really fun sharing my stories, and thanks for reading!

-Teresa

Lameball

Yesterday, I had to school some 3rd graders on the right way to play handball. Apparently the new trend is to catch the ball first, then throw it against the wall. Even my 89 year old landlady could do that.

I watched them start their game of Lameball and said "Whoa whoa, what are you guys playing? That's not how you play handball!"

A toothless boy said "Yuh-huh, that's how you play!" and I regressed to about 6th grade and said "No it's not! That's not handball, what are you guys doing?? Anyone can play like that, that's why the game is lasting 20 minutes. HIT IT, no catching!"

A few kids complained they couldn't play the right way and I said "oh well, time to learn" and gave them some quick pointers. And that's where someone might say, who cares about how kids play handball? Is there nothing better to worry about? And the answer is yes, I havelots of things to worry about.:

theeconomymyfinancesjobsearchingrenttherisingpriceofgroceriesgasgoingupfamilydramathecaloriecontentofmymorningcoffee

BUT instead, I choose to worry about the correct rules of handball being observed by 3rd graders.

Even after the initial protests from a few jelly-armed kids, I told the kids "I played handball since before you were born, I think I know this." BOOYAH.

2 minutes later, I got hit in the face with a ball.

But at least it was being properly hit!

BACK!!

Wow, it's been a long time! Sorry for the unannounced hiatus! I'm still here, still subbing, but life caught up with me and I neglected my poor little blog. But I promise not to leave for so long again!

In honor of Presidents' Day, here are the most important facts about George Washington's life, according to 2nd graders:



Apparently, living with his brother was just as important as fighting in the Revolution. His brother was probably totally cool and had awesome parties, yo.

Um

The 3rd graders came in from recess and held all their playground toys. Jump-ropes, balls and such.

We walked down the hallway where other classes were still in session and I heard a ball bounce. I turned without thinking and yelled "HOLD YOUR BALLS!"

:|


Luckily, they are still a bit young to catch the funny in that. LOL BALLS.

Today in kindergarten...

HEY KIDS! Let's practice writing on our whiteboards! Copy this sentence:

Louder, Please

Why is it that when during a normal classroom session, you have to ask students to keep their voices down repeatedly, but when asking kids to read aloud in class, they suddenly cannot speak higher than a marble-sized gerbil?

Normally I am talking and I hear OMG LIKE TOTALLY JUSTIN BIEBER OMG I GOT A NEW CELL PHONE TOTALLY TEXT ME YOUR NUMBER OMG

but when I ask them to read, when I WANT to hear them, it becomes

Charles looked up into the....sky, seeing the vats, I mean, vast clouds and birds...... flying..... overhead. He was amazed at........ what he saw.

And I will say "Louder please. Nice clear voices." LISTEN YOU TURDS, I KNOW YOU CAN READ LOUDLY CAUSE YOU CAN'T BE QUIET ANY OTHER TIME. QUIT YER MUMBLING.

Parrots

When I am talking to kids, I often realize how differently I will phrase things in order to make them student-appropriate. For example, recently I was subbing for 2nd grade and the kids were writing about pets. One child wrote that he wanted a pet parrot. I smiled and said "A parrot is a neat pet. But you have to be careful. I got bitten on my finger by a parrot once."

The little boy asked what happened, and I paused for a second.

What I say to a child: "Well, I was not making good choices and I put my finger in his cage."

What I would say to an adult: "I was being a dumbass and wanted to see how hard it could bite. And yeah, it bites HARD. I almost shattered a knuckle. Luckily his beak had just been filed. Seriously though, totally stupid and I was sober, which makes it even worse."



Other examples:

"You need to keep your hands to yourself."
Keep your hands to yourself or I won't notice when that girl clocks you for touching her hair again.

"That was not a good choice."
What the hell is wrong with you??

"I can't seem to find it"
Your teacher needs to clean this crap up because I can't even find a damn pencil.

"That was an interesting experience."
I'm so blogging about this shit later.