What I say: There is no talking during this assignment.
What they hear: “Whisper to your neighbor. Whispering is basically not talking, right? Close enough.”
What I say: You may whisper to your neighbor only during this assignment.
What they hear: “Please shout across the room and be as loud as possible. Here, I have a bullhorn. Would that help?”
What I say: Please pass your papers forward neatly.
What they hear: “Please jumble your papers in a heap that I have to rearrange because I love getting paper cuts.”
What I say: Do not write on this sheet, it is not for you to keep.
What they hear: “Doodle on it. Come on. Just a little doodle.”
What I say: I need everyone to listen carefully to these directions.
What they hear: “I really enjoy the sound of my own voice, so please ignore me during this time so I have to repeat myself.”
What I say: Please use your time wisely.
What they hear: “IT’S A PARTAY UP IN HERE!!!! WOOO HOOO!!!!”
What I say: If you don’t finish this now, it becomes homework.
What they hear: “Don’t finish it now. Talking to your friends is much more important.”
What I say: Yes, you may go to the restroom.
What they hear: “And while you’re out, please feel free to wander the halls and poke your head into your friend’s classroom. Makes the day more fun, dontcha think?”
What I say: You need to take this seriously, this is very important information.
What they hear: “WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA!!”
What I say: You can borrow this pencil from me, but please return it, okay?
What they hear: “I have an endless of supply of pencils/pens from my Supply Tree that I grow out back. Don’t worry, borrow as many as you like and hey, chew on them too! Did you know teachers make a bajillion dollars a year? Well, now you do! High-five!”