X

I have subbed for this 4^th grade class once before. My first time, their teacher met with me before class and gave me a rundown of the day, which I always appreciate, and then told me to watch out for one girl in particular (I’ll call her X cause for real, her name starts with an X and it’s not Xanadu). I was like “Oh okay...” and she got wide-eyed and serious and was like “NO. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. SHE IS THE DEVIL. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAAAAND.” She proceeded to tell me that this child is not allowed to be ANYWHERE without a fellow student escorting her and that she is close to being arrested. (WTF?!) She told me to lock up my stuff and keep my eye on her. Luckily for me, that day X left very early. I was like WHEW! DODGED A BULLET and my day was fine.

So today I am back in her class and there’s little X, who is as cute as can be, sitting at her desk in the corner, staring at me. And I’m staring at her.

Me: 0_0

X: o_o

The Sub Note reminds me about her behavior and what to do if she gets out of hand. The thing is, it is near 2:00 now, and she hasn’t done anything wrong all day. I know; I’m watching her. I’m watching my purse, my laptop, my pockets. My eyes are going to shrivel up and fall out of my head I’m watching so hard. And I’m just waiting. X is making me nervous. I’m waiting for her to do something bad so I can catch her but she hasn’t moved. She came up behind me and said “Miss?” and I jumped and said “Yes?!” and she asked if she could get water. Was she going to poison the water? Was she going to walk by and cut off a lock of my hair or stick gum in it or OMG THIS CHILD IS MAKING ME NERVOUS AND more IRRATIONAL.

But no, X just sits there…smiling at me.

Me: 0_0

X: :)

She’s been so good today, I’m wondering if she’s just gotten extremely good at hiding her bad behavior. Maybe she’s like a ninja, and she’s doing things so fast I can’t even see her. Because her teacher warned me like I would be working with Hannibal Lecter and she’s just sitting and smiling.

Me: 0_0

X: :D

I’m going to get home and see she’s stolen my TV, aren’t I?

The Hero

Every once in a while, when I sub for high school, I will have to deal with teenagers fighting. Not fighting like me and my sisters did, which was just yelling and swatting the air in front of each other like lazy cats, but serious fighting. Street Fighter karate-chopping/punching/ouch my nose! fighting.

I would rather watch the grass grow than watch this.

I am not a fighter. When I see fighting, my first instinct is to run for cover. I’m not trying to be a hero by breaking it up. Some teenage boys have this weird urge to show who’s more aggressive, like mountain goats ramming their horns into each other while the female goats just stare into the distance, chewing. Wanna know my motto? Make love, not war actually don’t do that either, kids. Just don’t touch each other. At all.

When I did my student teaching at a high school in East LA, two girls began fighting in class. One girl was passing out textbooks, and she lifted one to chuck it at another girl’s head. Immediately the class erupted and as I stood at the front gathering papers, I saw that book go flying and my first thought was to head for the door. I wasn’t even finished paying off my invisalign, I was not about to lose a tooth! Or worse, my nose! I thought of the bandages and bruising while my classroom went wild. Luckily my master teacher ran to break them up and immediately escorted them to the office. I stood there, like a traumatized mouse, and then said the first thing that came to my mind, which was “So….ummm….can we talk about the French Revolution now?”

0_0

The only way I know how to prevent fighting is to say something really stupid to distract the heated students. In my art class (I taught for 5 months at the local high school while the regular teacher was off reproducing) two boys began discussing something that gradually got more and more serious. I could see the tempers flaring so I said “Hey! Guess what? I really, really don’t want to fill out a referral form for either of you, so if you’re going to start boxing, I’d appreciate it if you like, waited until you were nowhere near me, so I don’t have to get involved. Is that cool? Just wait until I’m gone. Okay?” The class started to laugh and the boys relaxed a little, if only to wonder how anyone let me in charge of them.

So this brings me to yesterday, where I see two boys about to get to punching in the parking lot. I was in my car, so I did the only thing I could think of, which was to honk my horn. It startled them, and I did my best I’M A TEACHER AND I’LL CALL THE PRINCIPAL even though I don’t know the number so I'll just hold the phone to my ear and pretend look and they stopped. They parted ways, the crowd dispersed, and the fight was over. It was awesome.

See, I guess I can be a hero, with my stupid comments or my car horn.

Sunshiney Day

Little kids always draw suns with glasses and smiles. It cracks me up. Like the sun must be happy and also nearsighted? And the two of us, wearing crowns. I normally don't wear crowns to work (I save them for grocery shopping). Also, the sky is always only on top, just a blue strip hovering above the earth. I remember very clearly when my 1st grade teacher said to me after seeing my sky-strip, "Look outside. Is the sky only a strip of blue on top? Or does it come all the way down as far as you can see?" And my mind was blown.

I was like this: :o

It was one of those WOW moments of my life, like when I discovered Michelle on Full House was played by twins. (swear it, my neighbor told me and I was like omg no way!)

I didn't say anything to this little girl except express my joy at being given such an amazing drawing with a beautiful note. It's little things like this that make being a professional subsutoot really fun sometimes.

And I'll let someone else give her that WOW moment when she discovers the sky in fact comes all the way down. ;)

Like Peanuts

Today it was kindergarten. Lots of hyper children with big heads, big ears, chubby cheeks and missing teeth. Hilarious.

I watched a pencil exchange between two little boys.

"Thank you."
"You knock 'em"

A little girl sitting next to me while working on her phonics sheet said "That's Donovan over there. He's new. He smells like peanuts."
The boy next to her said "Like peanuts?"
She was adamant. "He has peanut breath."

Wouldn't it be kind of fun to introduce people by the way they smell? "This is Peter. He smells like Drakkar Noir. This is Rhonda. She smells like bacon."

Another little girl told me right away "My grandma passed away." I sympathetically said "Oh, I'm so sorry." She said "It's okay. You didn't know."


Ten minutes later, as her group colored at my center, she turned to me and said "Guess what?"
"What?"

"Chicken butt."

She burst into giggles. I did, too. They're so weird, I love it. It's like a I get paid to work with small, crazy people. Exhausting, but fun.

A Request...

Dear Children,

Today, I would like you to be as absolutely insane as possible. Today I am not working. But I want to be working. I have bills to pay. I have cats to feed. This is the hard part about being a sub---waiting for the phone call. I drag my phone with me everywhere, and when it rings, I jump to answer: out of bed, out of the shower, out of the garden, (but NOT in the car---I signed Oprah's pledge, and I have an irrational fear of disappointing Oprah).

This is Day 3 of being off, and I would like you to remind your teachers why they need the occasional day off so Super Subs like Miss P can swoop in and GET PAID.

Thank you, sweet monsters students,

Miss P

Classroom Art

Once in a while, I get to do art projects with kids when I sub. This always excites me because I am artistic, and I got to long-term sub for a high school art class a few years ago. And sometimes, you get a really talented and creative kid like this:




Ashley is creative and did the project well. Yay Ashley! Great job!

But sometimes, you get one like this:



When sweet little Nancy showed me her piece, instead of doing this D: I said OMG HOW CUTE!! WTF IS THIS? HOW AWESOME!! I LOVE THE inability to follow directions COLORS! Great job Nancy! :D

Painting projects are harder to do with elementary kids because the odorless fumes of the paint cause them to forget all common sense behavior and do things like paint their hands or TOUCH ME WITH THE PAINT OMFG. I love art, and I love kids' art, but I do not love paint on my new pants. But I really, truly love acting amazed at kids' creations. Sometimes, I really am amazed. Sometimes I am kind of horrified. But paint is a tricky medium for kids.

Also GLUE. Elmer's Glue comes with a measurement usage scale of 32 gallons of glue per square inch of construction paper. I've literally asked a 7 year old whose hands were COVERED in glue, "At what time did you think it would be a good idea to use that much?" He looked up at me with big, vacant eyes and I said "Just....go wash your hands. And don't touch anything!"

I'm sure his teacher appreciate the trail of glue fingerprints and glitter when she got back the next day. I hope the cute art made up for it.